a little bit absent, but you can find me at the Creek

My apologies for my absence over the last few days, the description does call this a daily blog. But unfortunately, my health hasn’t been great and so I’ve struggled to write some posts. I actually can’t remember the last time I posted (though that isn’t saying much, my memory is a little preoccupied these days).

There is, however, a small speck of light. I will be back soon, and hopefully better than ever. I just have a couple of hurdles to overcome first, but then I will be getting things back on track.

Its interesting, in a way, but had you asked me two years ago what my greatest fear was, I would have (and did) described my current situation. Now that it has snuck up on me, and the storm has returned, I find myself being pulled about by the tide; alternating between still being totally terrified and occasionally feeling like it’s just no big deal.

It naturally follows that I find myself seeking solace from adolescent TV dramas – because who else is as angsty and confused but teenagers? Especially those in the 90s. And so it goes that I have recently invested in the first 3 seasons of Dawson’s Creek, and I am contently ensconced in blankets on the couch, watch the whole Joey-Pacey-Dawson-Jen drama play out (Pacey and Joey forever!). I say content, but it’s a turbulent kind – it flits in and out, as I search for comfort from this dreary storm. At least the weather seems as confused as I do.

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relating to Lenka

As sly as a fox, as strong as an ox
As fast as a hare, as brave as a bear
As free as a bird, as neat as a word
As quiet as a mouse, as big as a house

All I wanna be, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything

As mean as a wolf, as sharp as a tooth
As deep as a bite, as dark as the night
As sweet as a song, as right as a wrong
As long as a road, as ugly as a toad

As pretty as a picture hanging from a fixture
Strong like a family, strong as I wanna be
Bright as day, as light as play
As hard as nails, as grand as a whale

All I wanna be oh, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything
Everything at once
Everything at once, oh
Everything at once

As warm as the sun, as silly as fun
As cool as a tree, as scary as the sea
As hot as fire, cold as ice
Sweet as sugar and everything nice

As old as time, as straight as a line
As royal as a queen, as buzzed as a bee
As stealth as a tiger, smooth as a glider
Pure as a melody, pure as I wanna be

All I wanna be oh, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything
Everything at once

These are the lyrics to Everything At Once by Lenka, and by golly does this describe how I feel right now. Last night I completed the dreams brainstorming in my happiness journal, and I noticed that I want so many things out of my life. And very few of them are linked to what I’m doing right now, but they’re also very risky and require some financial backing, which is why I am where I am. I want to open my own cafe, and I have already got some very specific thoughts on it. I know what I would call it, what the focus would be, and even have musings on the interior. One late night, I even designed the logo for it. But it’s the kind of place that would suit a location that I can’t really afford (not that I can afford any of them), and it would be very risky, since I don’t have any inkling how people would take to it. It would essentially be an oatmeal bar, though of course there would be other options. I’m thinking of calling it h(oat)e. There would be a few ‘chef’s recommendations’, such as apple pie oats, pb+banana+agave (I want the place to be vegan friendly, so no honey unless specifically requested), double chocolate, berrylicious, pumpkin pie. Then there would be the option to design your own, by picking and mixing toppings.

But see, I’m not sure that many people appreciate oats like I do. So in comes the risk, as well as the fact that starting up any small business is risky.

Another things listed in my dreams was to expand my skills in design and photography. I really enjoy them, and much in the way that people have pipe dreams of being famous singers or CEOs, I have a pipe dream of being a photojournalist. It’s certainly nice to fantasise about.

Then, of course, I eventually want the whole marriage and family thing. But I also want to spend at least 3 months in Europe, when I have a decent amount of savings, so that doing so isn’t too financially stressful. And so I can do things like go to super expensive restaurants in Paris, or stay in random luxury hotels.

There were a few other things, but they aren’t really worthy of mention, or are just extremely personal.

I just want everything. And I want to be everything.